Confessions of a Regretful Soul
by shajira
Summary: Who should be blamed when a leaf fell from a tree? Is it the wind that blew it away? The tree that let it go? Or is it the leaf itself which never held tight?


Disclaimer: I don't own Card Captor Sakura or any of its characters. If some of you are familiar with THE confession about being scared, it was a text message I received from a friend :)

By the way, I would suggest if you listen to the songs like "I Love You, Goodbye" or "Heaven Knows"…just a little suggestion…

**Confessions of a Regretful Soul**

By: **Shajira**

Who should be blamed when a leaf fell from a tree? Is it the wind that blew it away? The tree that let it go? Or is it the leaf itself which never held tight?

---oOo---

Kinomoto Sakura, an enchanter of men with long silky auburn mane and a pair of innocent yet enticing emerald eyes, watched with obvious boredom as her childhood friend continued to pace around. He's been doing that, _circular pace_, since he arrived at Penguin Park where she chose to spend her free time to _**think**_ after their classes ended.

And when has it been? Sakura has lost count on the minutes, or was it hours, that she stayed on the swing while THIS guy, who just popped out of nowhere to ask for her advice, continued…pacing.

"Syaoran…"

…

"Ne, Syaoran…"

…

'Alright, Sakura, breathe. You don't have to murder this guy. He's your friend, keep that in mind,' she mentally told herself when she failed to receive any response from Syaoran who is obviously trapped in his own world.

"LI SYAORAN!!!"

Still, no response.

Sakura twitched. This is too much for her. She has to knock some sense into this guy before he drives her to insanity. 'Alright, one, two…it's now time for Sakura's Ultimate Kick…thre---.'

"Sakkie…"

Whatever plans of committing a crime in this park dissolved in solid air. Sakura knew that tone of voice. Something is up.

"Yeah? Something the matter?"

He then looked straight at her with his _troubled_ face. Being the ever caring childhood friend that she is, Sakura instantly stood up and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Syaoran?"

He breathed in deeply, then in a soft voice, "I…I think I'm in love…"

"What?" she asked. Did she hear him right?

_**Wish I could be the one**_

_**The one who can give you love**_

_**The kind of love you really need**_

He breathed in again, then said in a more determined voice, "I love her."

"Oh."

_**Wish I could say to you**_

_**That I'll always stay with you**_

Yes, oh. That was all she could utter…right? This is just one of those episodes in her life, which involves this particular amber-eyed man…

"_I got myself a girlfriend. Sakura! Kim finally said yes."_

_Syaoran was so happy. For a guy, who wouldn't? Kim was his very first girlfriend. But she couldn't take part in his happiness no matter how much she tried. She couldn't understand herself why instead of joy she found sadness in her heart._

_**Baby, that's not me**_

_**You need someone**_

_**Willing to give her heart and soul to you**_

_Then after two weeks, she felt gladness in contrasts of Syaoran's gloom. She couldn't help it. The news was too good to be true._

"_Kim and I broke up. It just didn't work out. She loves somebody else." _

_She felt bad for his unluckiness but wanted to celebrate for herself. But of course, she didn't have to show to him that she's glad. Because even herself couldn't comprehend why she's feeling this way…_

_**Promise you forever**_

_**Baby, that's something I can't do**_

"I don't know what to do, Sakkie…I wanted so much to tell her how I feel but I just couldn't bring myself to do it…I've kept this for long time and I'm afraid to risk whatever I _have_ with her…"

No, this isn't just one of those episodes. She could feel the intensity with each word he uttered. After his first three trials of serious relationships, he gave up suddenly, thinking why should he waste his younger years in these types of relationship and not _enjoy_ it like how the others are doing…and that was basically it. He never did get serious with his next _sweethearts_.

_**Oh, I could say that I'll be all you need**_

_**But that would be a lie**_

And she knew why. She was there, in all of his heartaches…in his melancholy…

But this time, she knew he truly loves _her_.

_**I know I'd only hurt you**_

_**I know I'd only make you cry**_

_**I'm not the one you needed**_

How can she tell? Because this time she can finally tell why she feels like grieving whenever he has another _love escapade _or like jumping for joy due to their break up.

It's all _that __**four-letter word's**_ fault.

_**I love you**_

_**Goodbye**_

And this time, it hurts the most. Like a diamond spear pierced in an already wounded heart, unable to pump more blood and help aid the brain to think of something rational, wanting to scream, " Shit! What have I done wrong? Is it a crime to love?"

Call it cliché or whatever, but what's the point of undergoing such pain when all you did is just fall in love?

_**I hope someday you can**_

_**Find some way to understand**_

"Sakkie…I love her so much…"

"…and it hurts not being able to say that," she appended.

_**I'd only be next to you**_

_**I don't really wanna go**_

She breathed in. She shouldn't lose her cool. This is her friend who just happens to be the only man she ever love and will only love. And its his happiness that matters, right?

"But I gotta tell her how I feel!"

"Listen," she told him in a controlled manner of speaking, careful not to expose her misery. "Why don't you ask her to meet you in some place special enough for your confession to be unforgettable and would surely make her say yes?"

_**Deep in my heart I know**_

_**This is the kindest thing to do**_

He just stared at her. Long and intense.

Was he reading her? Was he able to read her?

'Oh, please, Cupid, be on my side…'

"Will you be there?"

_**You need someone**_

_**Who'll be the one that I can never be**_

"Huh?"

"Well, you proposed this idea…and, uhm, you know _you mean so much to me_ and it would be nice to have your approval…I mean I'm planning to surprise her…oh come on, you're my best friend! Will you be there?"

And have her heart shatter?

_Who'll gonna give you something better_

_Than the love you can find in me_

'Don't,' he told herself. But she must be the Queen of Stupidity because she found herself nodding.

She couldn't say no to him.

She just couldn't.

---

_**Oh, I could say that I'll be all you need**_

_**But that would be a lie**_

"Tomoyo!!" Sakura called out, streams of tears falling from her eyes, as she hugged her best friend and cousin. "Why? WHY?! Why me…"

Tomoyo just stayed still and caressed her hair and back. She just let her pour out all of the unshed tears and kept emotions.

_**I know I'd only hurt you**_

_**I know I'd only make you cry**_

"I stayed out of their league. I reprimanded myself from loving…"

"You don't want to love? Why?" Tomoyo asked in a whisper but enough for her to catch every word she says. "Because it hurts if he leaves? Because it's sad if he hurts you? Because it pains if he doesn't love you?

"But with what you've done to avoid being hurt, were you happy?"

_**I'm not the one you needed**_

"No," she choked. "I ended up experiencing the love that lasts the longest and feels the strongest but hurts the most…just because it's the love I could never have…"

"Sakura, just forget about him…"

"I don't think I could. See these tears? They won't stop…And even if they do, I don't think I could stop this thing I feel for him…"

_**I love you**_

_**Goodbye**_

Earlier that day, as the sun was about to set, she went to the rooftop of a building where Syaoran's supposed to be surprise was. And she was surprised beyond surprise. Red, pink and white balloons are everywhere. Instead of the traditional candlelit dinner, a checkered red and white blanket was on the floor with rose petals spread out. Even the picnic basket has a ribbon on it and a vase with blossoming flowers.

And a sweet melody was playing on the background.

_**Leaving someone…**_

_**When you love someone**_

_**Is the hardest thing to do**_

_**When you love someone**_

_**As much as I love you**_

Everything was perfect.

But for Sakura, it wasn't. No matter how much emotional strength she gathered and even though she's already expecting it, she wasn't still prepared or strong enough to witness Syaoran hugging his ex-fiancée, the one he denied years ago, with a smile of contentment and a lovely necklace he's holding tightly. Mei Lin was so lucky…

"It's fine to cry a river, just make sure you don't forget to build a damn bridge and get over it…"

_**Oh I don't wanna leave you**_

_**Baby it tears me up inside**_

--

And now, after so many years, boarded on a ship that will carry her back to where everything started, she isn't expecting anything after she escaped reality.

Yes, she was a coward.

_**I'll never be the one you needed**_

All along she was just so scared…scared to believe every word he says because she believes that everything ends up being lies…she's scared to fall, and not to be able to get up…but most of all, she was so scared to get her heart broken…so she held a lot of her real feelings for him back. But guess what? Her heart BROKE anyway…

And from out of nowhere, a leaf rode the wind.

_**I love you**_

_**Goodbye**_

---

But what could have happened if she wasn't such a coward?

_**Baby, it's never gonna work out**_

Tsk tsk, she should have seen the word SAKURA etched on the cherry blossom pendant of the necklace…or the "I'm in love with my best friend, Sakura" printed on the front of Syaoran's shirt…

_**I love you**_

_**Goodbye**_

---OoO---

Well?? What do you think, guys? Ahehe, I wrote this when I last updated (April 16) because I want to give you a story, something classic, on my birthday but unfortunately my computer wasn't connected to the internet :P but I sure hope you liked my first try at a sad fic…I'm such a sucker for _ouch_ stories…

Any comments or suggestions are welcome.

Mwahuggzz,

Shajira


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